blackouts & breakdowns

This morning was not my morning.

I typically dislike most mornings until I walk into CrossFit Pantego and finish my warm up, then you might catch me a little more upbeat. Unfortunately, today was not one of those days.

I finally rolled out of bed around 4:45am. I could barely keep my eyes open to brush my teeth and characteristically ran out of the house without my shoes even on.

Let me stop here and remind everyone that I have Narcolepsy. If you don't know anything about Narcolepsy and don't care too much about reading medical definitions- it is a chronic neurological disorder with no cure that makes me extremely sleepy to the point of just falling into a deep sleep for a few minutes (blacking out essentially) and among other things causes muscle weakness. 

{If you want to read more about Narcolepsy I highly suggest checking out Julie Flygare's blog she is awesome & just wrote a book on living with Narcolepsy!}

 

I don't know if anyone who isn't narcoleptic can understand how scary it is to get into your car and arrive at the place you wanted to go and not remember anything that happens during the trip. Or suddenly waking up to realize that the 10 second nap you just took you were actually on the highway. Luckily, these things happen to me less and less with my new medicine, but today was an exception. Remember how I talked about emotions the other day? Well those came out to play this morning and narcolepsy and Helen didn't help very much.

I try not to let Narcolepsy ruin my life. I try to make sure that if I am driving someone is with me or if I have to go very far I have someone that can take me & I now know my body's signs and understand that it isn't weird to pull over on the side of the road in order to save mine or another person's life. I especially try not to let it become a huge part of how I workout, how I work, and how I go to school, but sometimes it decides it needs to make itself known.

I can't tell you why God gave me Narcolepsy, but then again I can't tell you why God chose to create me period because He is too big for me to ever comprehend. I do know that today was a big slap in the face that He is completely in control of my life. 

5:05am we get to CrossFit late, mostly my fault a little of my falling asleep while drivings fault. I warm up, still fill disgusting. We have to box jump, I want to box jump, one of my goals is to box jump. I start at the tire. I feel my body getting weak. I feel the burning sensation in my eyes right before I get a sleep attack. I keep screaming at myself to please stay awake, how embarrassing would it be to fall asleep at CrossFit?! Funny, but embarrassing. 

I pretend that I am scared because I am scared. I am scared that people will be able to tell that I am weak because of my disorder. I hate that this is something I can not control. In trying to hide that I know I am at my body and mind's limits I have lied to some of my closest friends. I have lied to myself in thinking I could do this alone and ignore that God chose to give me Narcolepsy, for whatever reason. 

Up next, Helen that little devil. For Time: 400m, 21 kettle bell swings (35lb), 12 pull ups. 3 Times.

Round 1: By the time I ran about 300m I thought about laying down on the street and falling asleep. During KB swings the wonderful feeling of sandpaper in my eyes became worse. At 5 pull ups I felt myself blacking out. Trying to describe this feeling is weird to me, it's not a typical "blackout" but I can feel myself losing vision and not being able to open my eyes for a few seconds. THIS IS NOT SAFE. If anyone feels like this for any reason you should tell your coach. I am a woman and a Mexican one at that- that automatically makes me very stubborn. I need to get over that. By God's doing, not my own, I stopped. I walked into the office, cried for about two minutes while Rafe probably thought I was having a breakdown because he didn't hear that I was blacking out and like the amazing coach and man he is knows not to mess with me when I'm pissed. I came back out and finished. 

Narcolepsy is funny in that if you just stop for 10 seconds breath close your eyes and "nap" the symptoms of my sleep attacks usually stop for awhile. By the time I got through all three rounds I was last, I had cried a river alone, and I still didn't really tell Rafe what was going on. But everyone still cheered for me.

I realized that if Rafe wasn't my coach I probably would have walked out that door the second I was done with my warm up. It makes me extremely mad when my mind knows I can do something and I want to do something, but my body doesn't. After my breakdown I prayed. Why was I relying on myself to determine when I could or couldn't do something? Life sure doesn't work that way no matter what people try to tell you. God is in charge of your life. If He decides that I need to stop and rest for 2 minutes on a timed WOD well then I need to rest. I hope that one day I won't be ashamed to tell people "I'm tired." I hope that one day someone will find a cure and the only reason I stop my timed WOD is when I'm completely done. 

Rafe's back there running with us!

I'm sorry this was long, I know that this was probably uneventful to many of you, but I learned some awesome lessons today in my struggle. 

I know that God can and will help me with what needs to be done. I know that He shows me when I am in the wrong by giving me opportunities where I have to fully rely on Him, no matter if it's a timed WOD or raising my son as a single mother. I also know that no matter what my coach will be there for me and will help me IF I let him know what's going on. I know that no matter what time I come in the other athletes around me will be cheering me on, because that is what we do. 

So as much as it pains me to say this to you; thank you Helen, for all of this in 14 and a half short minutes.